Saturday provided a perfect autumn afternoon for rugby; crisp air, falling leaves, and a faint sense of foreboding as Bourne 2nd XV prepared to face local rivals Spalding. Our opposition arrived with what appeared to be a fully-fledged first team, sculpted and seasoned; we fielded a truly authentic second team, part warriors, part romantics, part men held together by tape and hope, but united in spirit and unrivalled in humour.
In the build-up, rumours were swirling like leaves in an October wind; particularly the suggestion that the legendary former Bourne player “Scottish Dave” had re-emerged wearing the wrong shade of blue. There was also deep strategic debate in the changing room about shirt choices, hair preparation for the pre-match photos, and one player quietly trick-or-treating as Dobby the House Elf, securing sweets with suspicious efficiency. Tom Mellor multitasked magnificently, combining pre-match warm-up with door-to-door cosmetics consultancy. The earlier kick off time was not just a warm-up for the England game, but Mellor had a kids party to get to. Meanwhile, kit-man Paul Maybe had
meticulously laid out the shirts the night before.

Before the match, Captain Dave Maudsley delivered a rousing Churchillian address, reminding us that 2nd XV rugby is about momentum, camaraderie and character. Spirits lifted, chests swelled, and several players pretended they knew which way we were playing.

From the whistle, Spalding came out like a team who train, rehearse moves, and possibly recruit from granite quarries. Bourne responded with heart, passion and, occasionally, correct positioning. The scoreboard climbed steadily in Spalding’s favour, though we suspect even they lost count. Bourne, however, produced two fantastic tries, and the scoreboard, for a glorious moment, even hinted at a tighter contest than reality. In truth, our 12 points shone brightly against their estimated 65. Tries by Micheal (the Viking) and Simon, just one correctly converted by Nathan.

There were, of course, moments of individual brilliance. Ollie Jones, often compared to some combination of Keith Lemon and Tiny Tim, continued his reign at the top of the MVP standings and, in his own modest words, was “very good”. Tom Bishop made his thunderous
return; a six-minute cameo featuring a tackle, turnover, perfect pass, and the aura of a man who eclipsed his former self. The crowd roared. Physics bent. The legend grows. Graham Gard entered late, contributing enthusiasm and charm despite dental limitations. Boris exited
after five minutes, in keeping with cherished tradition. Joel Capper returned from early retirement in shorts from a rival village; a brave choice, from a town who famously never had a Woolworths. Seth earned heroic status with an eye swelling fit for folklore. New players Simon, Gavin and Dave impressed, although sounded suspiciously like an 70s folk trio when read aloud. Line-out practice, which had consumed two hours earlier in the day, sadly chose not to accompany us onto the pitch.

After the final whistle, Maudsley delivered a heartfelt speech reminding us that true character is shown not in comfort but in adversity; and that, crucially, Bourne remains far better looking and has significantly better banter. On this, there was unanimous agreement.

Man of the Match honours were shared between Michael the Viking and Simon Ash for their fine contributions.
Yes, the score line was lopsided. Yes, bodies fell, eyes swelled, heads hurt and lungs worked overtime. But effort never wavered. Spirit never cracked. Humour thrived.

We were a genuine second team; and we played with honesty, pride and the sort of camaraderie money cannot buy. The team will be working on positioning, support play and a better pre-match playlist for their next battle against Ashby.

Spalding may have had structure, power and cohesion. Bourne had heart, laughter and arguably the better hairstyles. In rugby, as in life, that counts for a very great deal. Training continues, matches await, and the Christmas Rasen-away-day looms on the horizon; a bus trip that promises to test stamina in ways a scrum never could.

Until then; rest, recover, retell your personal version of events that may in no way be factually correct like these reports, and remember: Up the Bourne 2s.